despitethenora | Sneck IC inbox

...Don't apologize. You were looking out for your brother.

That is what I mean by complicated.

I was right to be mad. I will not apologize for being mad, because what you did was wrong.

But.

Anger does not justify all actions. One aspect of my missteps I do fully understand. The rest is more me navigating new information.

The part I do understand...

The reason I told you about PTSD, about being put back in that moment of fear in certain circumstances, is because it seems I may have done the same to you.

And it doesn't matter how angry someone is, how justified and right they are in that anger, no one has the right to put someone back in a moment like that. Its wrong.

I did not want to do that.

And I'm very, very sorry that I did.

It doesn't have to be complicated. It's not like I keep a list of things that make me snap at people.

It is very hard to make that list. I've had to add to mine since getting here.

But that doesn't negate the need for an apology. Intent is not NOT important, but when it comes to people, it's more important to acknowledge when your actions had unforseen consequences that hurt people.

[A pause.]

It would also be hypocritical of me to not acknowledge it when part of why I was so mad was because of triggered PTSD.

So, I will ask if I do something like that again, tell me. You don't have to explain what it is, just say you're triggered, or not in that moment anymore, and I will stop. Maybe just leave if I don't know what I'm doing.

And if it helps, I'll tell you one of mine later so it doesn't feel like an uneven exchange of information. It's not as if I don't have a long list.

And you certainly have every right to be absolutely furious with me if I invoke something like that knowingly.

[She’s. Staring for a little bit. Finally:]

I don’t know how well I’d think of it in the moment, but I’ll try.

. . .You mean taking the battleshell off wasn’t telling it to me?

It can be hard in the moment, I know. But if it works even some of the time, then some of the time, an accidental hurt can be avoided.

I appreciate it. I really do.

[He hums ruefully.] Oh, if only my shell was the bulk of the list.

...it's easier to do things with physical action than words. You could use the Egg boon and feel the anxiety I have now. If I needed to prove it, I could walk out that door and you'd feel the fear skyrocket.

Easier to go that route if the shell is off. Harder to do it if I made the offer first.

Words are hard. Difficult. They always have been. I was reading and counting to the thousands when I was two, but I didn't talk until I was four.

If I can show something through a physical act, I prefer it.

But sometimes you need to try and figure out the words anyway.

We're not going to accomplish anything productive by making your anxiety bigger, so let's not walk you through the door.

Probably, but I figured it didn't hurt to have as a potential option.

But yes, this is to make things 'even' as it were. Since you didn't intend for me to know that trigger. If you even recognized it as one, I don't know how readily available mental health information is.

I know enough to recognize there's a lot of blind spots. People who probably could've been helped if the metal world hadn't died. Or if Faro hadn't deleted APOLLO.

Probably. Mental health is a whole complicated mess and trauma responses are especially difficult to navigate. Especially with how much nurture effects things.

Which is a segue way into the part where I'm far less familiar with what happened and had to be told this might be the case, so this will involve questions, and even if the answers are hard, I would like honest ones.

Because it is incredibly easy to lead me astray when it comes to emotions and the only way I learn nuance is by very prolonged observation or blunt, factual information, and I am learning something new here.

First off, you've seen how very in each other's space Raph and I can be when I'm not having a bad day, correct? [Because they are. If Donnie isn't having a bad touch day, Raph and him are constantly in each others spaces when they're in the same room, from Donnie climbing over him, to Raph handling him like a sack of potatoes without a blink from either of them.]

Don't know if I love that segue.

I'm aware that you touch a lot. I've seen how you perch on him during or after scenarios. And his interest in sharing hugs.

I do that even without scenarios. Unless my whole sensory issues are acting up, it is pretty nice to be close.

And.

My whole family is like that.

Literally all of them. I'm the least touchy one of the bunch. Its only strangers we're not touchy with and even that is more to not out our whole mutant turtle status.

And I have been told that level of touch is...

Highly abnormal as like.

A general rule.

Instead of not being used to specific people.

Yes?

I’m not a great judge of how much touch is normal to people. You and Raphael touch a lot, I don’t. That’s where I’m at.

Fair point, fair point. I'll need more data in regards to that from others, but I....think...

Yes, I think it's still viable to go down the logic track presented.

Because outside of the trigger response, I have been told because people are far less tactile than my family, that touch in general could have far more emotional meaning then I am used to.

Such as grabbing in itself can be seen as extremely hostile and threatening? Versus just demanding to be heard?

Depends how you do it. Tryse has a knack for using touch to just make sure you’re paying attention.

Subtleties in communication has never been my strong suit.

Subtlety in general has never been a strong suit. [All those points went into ninja and shady.]

Yeah. So. . .grabbing. Usually aggressive.

Okay. So it is aggressive outside of the trauma so that is two reasons to not do it with you.

Did you... [He pauses, tilting his head, concentrating, trying to keep track of the Everything That Was Said.]

Did you feel like you were seen as less than a person? Demeaned?

We don’t have to rehash this, you know. Like we’re picking at a scab.

...

[There is a long pause. Opens his mouth. Closes it again.]

And if a bone heals wrong, you have to break it to fix it. I believe the same can apply to emotions.

So if it healed wrong, then it needs to be fixed. If its fine, then we don't, but.

But I don't want you to have healed with a crooked bone.

[Sighs.]

I felt - you needed a fight. To get things out so it wouldn’t fester. I didn’t like it, but I wasn’t supposed to.

[He opens his mouth.]

[Closes it again.]

....you're not wrong.

About the need to fight.

Or.

Well, needed to get it out.

And most of the time that is by being aggressive.

Yeah. So the grab was aggressive. Some of the things that were said felt insulting.

And I don’t want to argue about it. Gave you a pretty big reason to be angry.

You did. [He can't, won't, deny that.]

[He holds up a finger to give him a minute, eyes looking to the side, other hand tapping at his knee as he tries to find what he thinks is important to say.]

I....did overstep.

My goal was to hurt a bit. Mostly I wanted you to feel guilty. So it wasn't repeated.

I know that there will likely come a time where Egg has to hurt Hunter or Leo, that I accepted as much as I hate it. I could get upset or mad, emotions are not rational and I am protective, but I could recover.

I could forgive.

But using me against them, no matter how good the intentions were for Egg.

That I don't think I could forgive. Not twice.

I have not even forgiven myself for it.

And I didn't want a time where I couldn't forgive you.

And when I'm hurt and scared is usually when my anger is at its worst. I should have pondered the possibility if I overstepped sooner.

[She’ll listen. Wait.]

. . .So where do you want to go from here?

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