despitethenora | Sneck IC inbox

Don't know if I love that segue.

I'm aware that you touch a lot. I've seen how you perch on him during or after scenarios. And his interest in sharing hugs.

I do that even without scenarios. Unless my whole sensory issues are acting up, it is pretty nice to be close.

And.

My whole family is like that.

Literally all of them. I'm the least touchy one of the bunch. Its only strangers we're not touchy with and even that is more to not out our whole mutant turtle status.

And I have been told that level of touch is...

Highly abnormal as like.

A general rule.

Instead of not being used to specific people.

Yes?

I’m not a great judge of how much touch is normal to people. You and Raphael touch a lot, I don’t. That’s where I’m at.

Fair point, fair point. I'll need more data in regards to that from others, but I....think...

Yes, I think it's still viable to go down the logic track presented.

Because outside of the trigger response, I have been told because people are far less tactile than my family, that touch in general could have far more emotional meaning then I am used to.

Such as grabbing in itself can be seen as extremely hostile and threatening? Versus just demanding to be heard?

Depends how you do it. Tryse has a knack for using touch to just make sure you’re paying attention.

Subtleties in communication has never been my strong suit.

Subtlety in general has never been a strong suit. [All those points went into ninja and shady.]

Yeah. So. . .grabbing. Usually aggressive.

Okay. So it is aggressive outside of the trauma so that is two reasons to not do it with you.

Did you... [He pauses, tilting his head, concentrating, trying to keep track of the Everything That Was Said.]

Did you feel like you were seen as less than a person? Demeaned?

We don’t have to rehash this, you know. Like we’re picking at a scab.

...

[There is a long pause. Opens his mouth. Closes it again.]

And if a bone heals wrong, you have to break it to fix it. I believe the same can apply to emotions.

So if it healed wrong, then it needs to be fixed. If its fine, then we don't, but.

But I don't want you to have healed with a crooked bone.

[Sighs.]

I felt - you needed a fight. To get things out so it wouldn’t fester. I didn’t like it, but I wasn’t supposed to.

[He opens his mouth.]

[Closes it again.]

....you're not wrong.

About the need to fight.

Or.

Well, needed to get it out.

And most of the time that is by being aggressive.

Yeah. So the grab was aggressive. Some of the things that were said felt insulting.

And I don’t want to argue about it. Gave you a pretty big reason to be angry.

You did. [He can't, won't, deny that.]

[He holds up a finger to give him a minute, eyes looking to the side, other hand tapping at his knee as he tries to find what he thinks is important to say.]

I....did overstep.

My goal was to hurt a bit. Mostly I wanted you to feel guilty. So it wasn't repeated.

I know that there will likely come a time where Egg has to hurt Hunter or Leo, that I accepted as much as I hate it. I could get upset or mad, emotions are not rational and I am protective, but I could recover.

I could forgive.

But using me against them, no matter how good the intentions were for Egg.

That I don't think I could forgive. Not twice.

I have not even forgiven myself for it.

And I didn't want a time where I couldn't forgive you.

And when I'm hurt and scared is usually when my anger is at its worst. I should have pondered the possibility if I overstepped sooner.

[She’ll listen. Wait.]

. . .So where do you want to go from here?

I want to make it clear I hurt you far more than I intended. That I didn't notice I did between nurtured habits, anger, and my own inability to read people.

I would like to avoid it in the future, and I'm asking for help to do that because for all I'm a super genius in all things science-

I'm subpar when it comes to emotions, but I want to be better.

I never want an Egg to feel they're not wanted on this team.

....

And in case I was to clumsy, I am really, really, that's two really's, sorry that my actions hurt you that much.

I can make that easier for you. I’m not paying attention to whether anyone wants me on the team or not. No one gets to decide where I belong, not anymore.

There is a difference between deciding to exist despite what others say and feeling like you're wanted.

Is all.

Okay.

What I’ll say is - I don’t really want to be touched. But like we talked about before, we work together just fine.

[He nods.]

Is touch in emergency situations allowed? There is an option for an attempt at verbal warning.

Raph has to do that with me sometimes. Establish its a rescue. It keeps the buzzing down.

Edited 2023-08-02 00:26 (UTC)

Always have to make exceptions for emergencies. Some things just can’t be planned for.

Okay. Its always good to check before hand for the forseen unforseen incidents.

As for where to go from here....

...I would like for the door of friendship to be open. Not that it has to be friendship right now, bonds have to be established, foundation and bridges built, there isn't many ways to get around that. [Not many. Some ways, like RUNNING AROUND OTHER PEOPLE'S SOULS, but]

But nothing happens if two people aren't ever willing to meet halfway.

I make mistakes. I'm not great at this sort of thing. I miss very obvious things. One of the ways I can limit it is if people are willing to tell me I've messed up because I can miss things for years apparently. Another way may also being able to use the boon, it was part of why I was for it.

But I didn't want to use that without permission. It would have seemed insincere to apologize for crossing a boundary while crossing yet another boundary.

[Whoopsie heart games. She doesn’t even realize.]

I can’t plan a friendship, Donatello. I can tell you if something’s bothering me.

I'm not asking for a planned friendship.

Just that there isn't a planned block to friendship.

That’s not my plan either, I guess.

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