despitethenora | Sneck IC inbox

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[Out of habit, her greeting starts with a sigh. Hey, for a long time the only person who called her was Sylens, and it really set a tone for phone conversations. Be glad it's just a sigh.]

What do you need?

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[Oh. She's quiet.]

That couldn't have been an easy reminder for you.

They had my old focus too, and when I grabbed it...

[ there's a break in her voice and she buries her face in her shoulder to try to stem off the tears. ]

I forgot what it felt like. To be...weak and controlled. To not be me. And then we ended up in the mansion and I couldn't - I just wanted it to be gone.

[Frown. BIG frown.]

They can't take who you are now away. We won't let them.

I hate them, Aloy. I hate the cult more than I ever hated the Zeniths. I hate them for pushing me that far and I hate myself for doing it. I got three people killed.

[Oh.]

It’s good to be able to examine that. We’re going to deal with the cult as soon as we get the opportunity. But - it has to mean something, when we lash out.

[Big talk, considering how often she threatens to stab Sylens.]

And how are the others feeling? Aside from Raphael.

Estelle was healed. Hunter is still hurt, but they both forgave me when I apologized. Rocket, someone new on Rabbit was...more complicated. I think he was hurt the worst, because Rabbit didn't get healing. He didn't seem angry, but he said he wouldn't forgive me because if we weren't here, he would have died for real.

[ which like

fair ]

He asked me if I'd have done it with Salamander was there. And I - I don't know. I'm scared I would have.

What if - Aloy, what if I am defective? What if I'm like the Zeniths? I was so angry. I couldn't even think and I just did what I wanted.

Pretty sure some of Salamander would help light it.

[She shakes her head.]

You’re not defective. At least, not more than any other person. The Zeniths just didn’t teach you what to do with that anger.

What would you have done?

Control it. I might end up wound a little tight once in a while, but it‘s going to become a hard point for me to let loose, later.

When you were reviewing my data, looking for how we ended up so different-did you see much about Helis?

[ Aloy would control it. Of course she would. Not like Airi who couldn't handle even a moment of--

Question. Aloy asked a question. ]

I saw the important things. He attacked the Proving. Was responsible for...what happened to Rost. And you killed him, in the end.

[She nods.]

I know you lashed out in your room on the Odyssey. Do you think I didn't have nights at my campfire, boiling, before I got my fight with him?

Definitely not. How couldn't you?

But it all had to get back to him. Even Olin didn't deserve it, in the end. Helis was the focus.

Do you get it?

I think so. Keep it down until we can take the fight to the cult itself. Then let it out.

The mansion isn't what you're really mad at. It's what Tilda did. And it's the cultist who's rubbing salt in the wound.

[ she nods, uncurling a little ]

It's just a house. But all of those memories... They hurt now. And when I think about them, instead of being sad like I used to be, I'm so mad it feels like I could burst into flames by myself.

I think - handling those moments takes practice. Just like handling a bow.

But they never saw a reason to give you the chance. They could just make you dissociate.

[ after a long day of enduring the anger and criticism of people's teammates, there are no words for the reassurance Aloy's understanding brings. the tightness in her chest eases and Airi slowly unwinds from the tiny gloom ball she's turned herself into. ]

...That makes sense. I'm....underdeveloped in certain areas.

[ welcome to being a teenager Airi ]

But that means it's a skill I can build. Like being more comfortable talking to people.

[It’s good to see Airi shift. Aloy nods.]

Elisabet had to grow, too. She told GAIA a story once, about accidentally burning a tree. We can’t go back and fix it, but we can learn from it.

I want to, and I'm trying to. It's...hard. Some people were so angry at me. It felt awful. And I kept messing up when talking to others and just upset them after.

[ she moves to sit criss-cross, playing with her hands in her lap. ]

I thought I was doing better.

Some people won't want to work it out.

One of them definitely just wanted to rile me up.

What did they do?

They decided they were going to blame Salamander as a whole for their teammate getting hurt, even though I was the only one there. When I tried to argue against it, they just kept pushing it and saying it didn't matter if I was alone because my team should have helped me not to react like that. I tried to argue it.

It didn't matter what I said, they just seemed happy to make me upset.

Sounds like they were looking for an excuse.

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